Female Christian Ministers: A Perspective


Women; I’m a huge fan. Most of them smell really great, are really easy on the eyes, are pioneers in the world’s oldest profession and in my opinion the reason thigh-high stockings exist and who knows where we would be without thigh-high stockings. I’m sure God was tapping his temple in Heaven, surrounded by thigh-high stockings and stripper boots wondering what in the hell Adam was going to do with those things before He decided it would be neat to create a woman to give all that leg wear meaning and purpose. Bang up job, God! You were right on the money again. Now don’t get me wrong, women have contributed in many other ways to humanity and creation in general and none of us would be here without them obviously; but when beginning any topic female centered the first thing that comes to my mind is skin tight nylon or leather so I just had to get that out of the way.


As for the main course of this entrée, female Christian ministers, I think it best to start off with a disclaimer and clear understanding on what my point of view is in context of women’s roles in society and it is that they are capable and should be free to lead their lives as they see fit. If they want to pursue any course in life that may or may not be taboo for a human being with a vagina to pursue then I feel no need to tell them they cannot or do anything to place a stumbling block in their way. The consequences of any path in life should be obvious to them and so long as they are willing to accept them without demanding special treatment the choices they make have nothing to do with me. So in regards to a woman choosing to become a minister, of the Christian persuasion to be more specific; I have to admit that I have no dog in that fight…however that choice does beg a few questions of logic, rationale and motive. It also makes me and anyone who knows the clear reading of the Bible to first and foremost ask a self-professing female minister what it is that they are selling, because it’s not the ideals of the Bible I assure you.


Want to play a game?


Like any exclusive club, group or board game there are rules regarding participatory etiquette and for those who wear the Christian name badge the rules are to be found in the 66 books of the Bible. I would be asked to leave my local comic book shop while they are playing a game of Magic: The Gathering if I knocked over my opponent’s stack of cards with a Galactus hero click for the win. Magic and Heroclix are two different games you see with two different sets of rules and methods of play. Religions work the same way. If you are going to play a religious game effectively you are going to have to read, understand and play by the rules of the game you are trying to play or else expose yourself to be an ignorant ninny and called out as such by veterans with much more knowledge and experience than you. Having much experience with the Bible and the game of Christianity I have no problem pointing out females who would call themselves ministers as illiterate in the least or manipulative, spiritual sluts at the most. Because for a female to call herself a Christian minister, according to the rules, it’s going to be one or the other.


1st Timothy, chapter 2 clearly says …But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.” According to the rules of the Christian game a woman professing some spiritual stature is commanded to learn with her mouth shut and not allowed to teach or lay claim to any authority delegated by God to the man. The reasoning for this goes back to the beginning of the game which would lead one to the notion that when it comes to spiritual entities the woman is a good deal more gullible to trickery. I don’t think it is too much of a stretch to also glean the implication that physical childbearing is the woman’s role and spiritual childbearing is the role of the man but I will admit that is an implication and not specifically stated so you don’t have to put that in your pipe and smoke it…but you know you want to.


1st Corinthians chapter 11 not only garnishes that little hors d’oeuvre of spiritual seduction by non-human entities but also gives us a hierarchy of proper authority and placement within the Bible’s pyramid of gender roles. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head; for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn; but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.”


While some contend this is talking about hair and physical coverings I am content to twiddle my thumbs and give them my Tony Stark face. If you really pull from this that the Bible is giving fashion tips then you may want to look up what an allegory is and then come back. The text is essentially laying out the levels of spiritual authority (not the overall worth) of each subject and its pretty simple; God, Christ, Man and at the base of the pyramid is Woman. It is even swell enough to give you the reason why a woman needs a covering, i.e.; a man, and that is because of the angels. This is a reference to the Old Testament account of the Watchers seducing human women sexually in most cases or raping them in some cases. The Bible is explaining that when it comes to being seduced by spiritual beings, women are the most susceptible and ought to have a spiritual bodyguard to protect them. While audacious, self-professing women ministers have no problem trying to justify shuffling seats with men in this hierarchy they never address if the other roles of God and Christ are negotiable as well. That might disturb their base market a little too much so for the time being; no touchy-touchy.


Now when it comes to female Christian ministers don’t be fooled with word games or words disguised as other words. The one’s who try to peddle to slightly more learned Bible players know well enough to change up terminology when needed but make no mistake that regardless of if they call themselves minister, pastor, bishop, elder, prophetess or any other spiritual sounding title it really all means the same thing. They have to do this to continue their shape-shifting, chameleon agenda in most cases but in some cases are actually naïve enough to buy their own crock of horse excrement when shuffling title shells. Ducks talk like ducks and walk like ducks even if they call themselves by another name. That being said, the Bible actually gives the requirements and qualifications for someone seeking the office of a minister and when read it is the machine gun that riddles the eligibility of women with bullets of blatant butt hurt.


In 1st Timothy, chapter three the qualifications of a minister are as follows; “…if a MAN desire the office of a bishop, HE desireth a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the HUSBAND of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behavior, given to hospitality, apt to teach; not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; one that ruleth well HIS own house, having HIS children in subjection with all gravity; (for if a MAN know not how to rule HIS own house, how shall HE take care of the church of God?), not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride HE fall into the condemnation of the devil.” In case you missed it; if this were a help wanted ad in the newspaper it would probably say something like “Must have your own pecker equipment” and that is apparent to even watered down Christians, much less the strict fundamentalist who would also point out that you have to be married to a woman, never have been divorced and you also have to have kids.


Now with all those clear scriptures, that if read by anyone with a halfway decent IQ, come to one unifying commonality which happens to be that in the game of Biblical Christianity females cannot play the role of a minister, how do some people manage to convince themselves and others that they can? In my observation one of the first things a woman wanting the mantle of minister does is run as far away from the King James Authorized Version as she possibly can. The language just cuts too deep and isn’t easily manipulated to redefine what the meaning of is, is. Of course I am of the opinion that folks who get their Biblical knowledge from any new translation aren’t getting any Biblical knowledge at all quite honestly and will openly tell you in so many words that they are spiritually slothful and stupid. When asked why they read a new translation they typically reply that it is easier to read and they can understand it which again translates to; they are too stupid to understand English and too lazy to learn. So right away you already know that if they manage to convince you they can be a minister or convince themselves that they can with a new age book, they openly show that their ministering wont and can’t amount to much.


Looks like we fit the bill fellas!


Rarely, but in some cases, I have heard them explain away the passage in 1st Timothy by saying that while it does read like a sausage party, it doesn’t explicitly exclude females as previous passages do which is as dumb as saying it doesn’t exclude Satan explicitly either so by implication he can pass a donation plate around too. The most common justification for female Christian ministers though, is pointing out women in the Bible who have done some pretty impressive things and through leaps of faith and logic they have been lead to believe that those accounts make certain figures pastors of a congregation or called by God to lead. Well, I can show you a talking donkey in the Bible very easily but just because that donkey is an exception to donkeys in general doesn’t mean there is a new rule. Generally, donkeys aren’t very chatty. Basically in order to believe that a woman can be a minister you have to suspend common sense reading and indulge the sales woman’s hypothetical walks of tight ropes in the clouds of her own pomp. The ladies who have taken the title of a Christian minister out of good intentions and ignorance quickly and openly abandon such titles when shown correction according to the Bible, for it was not their intention to deceive or overthrow the order of God that compelled them but a zealous nature unrefined with knowledge. They meant no harm. It’s those other skanks you better watch out for.


The ones who cling to a rebellious nature that makes them dig in their heels on this issue are the ones that will lay your soul to waste if you follow their tune, but don’t take my word for it because Jesus Christ made His thoughts on female ministers absolutely clear in Revelation chapter 2 while He was addressing the church of Thyatira. “I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first. Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which CALLETH HERSELF a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.


For those of you who haven’t per chance read the Bible from cover to cover and don’t quite get the context allow me to explain; Jesus Christ is calling this chick in Thyatira that calls herself a minister a trifling, manipulative whore. That’s right, no lamb petting here at all. He’s callin’ a tramp out for what she is and putting his foot down on her throat with some pretty severe curses and proclamations of destruction to her, the dupes that follow her and her children too. Jesus is going to fuck this bimbo up. We can safely assume that whoever this so called female minister was, her name was not in fact Jezebel. He calls her that to allude to Jezebel of old so those of us in the know understand her character and her motives for claiming to be a minister. With just one name, Jesus lets us know what an unrepentant woman that claims to be a minister is all about. They have major problems with males and male authority figures which more than likely stems from cliché daddy issues, as if that isn’t played out more than the race card. They tend to be vengeful, spiteful and cruel underneath the fake cloak of compassion they wear in front of the crowds they pander to. They overemphasize the word love or things associated with love to try to compensate for their lack of it and get off on mocking, taunting or manipulating others when convenient to bolster their vanity and concern with outward appearances both physically or spiritually. They always have artificial discernment and usually come equipped with false visions or experiences they claim to be from God which ultimately forces them to reject truth and reality in general. It’s this type of whoredom that really chaps Christ’s ass and you know what Johnny Cash has to say about when the man comes around.


New Christian Cosmetic line goes terribly wrong


So why do some women risk the curses in the Bible coming down on their heads by calling themselves ministers? The answer is simple and how I began this ditty in the first place; they are selling something. Only they can’t hack it to the general public so they have to target a gullible and malleable market that will believe and buy most of what they present if it is allegedly Jesus tested and Jesus approved. Go to some hardcore Bible preaching church in Georgia and find me a female preacher with a King James and absolutely nothing to hock. Never gonna happen kiddies. If it isn’t a book on Pilates for Christ, or an online course for purpose driven fluff it’s a seminar on something you can find in a ton of places online for free but has Jesus mixed somewhere in there so the players in the game of Christianity can pull their debit cards out and bleat like sheep. While the top tier is dominated with Joyce (not to be confused with Jack Nicholson’s Joker) Meyer,  Juanita Bynum and Victoria Osteen; the B-level Jezebel’s are content to walk the streets of corporate churches, small town pumpkin festivals and expos or the internet to hook for Johns. Take the Vigilant Christian Mario on YouTube for example, one of the most popular dildos in the B-level Jezebel rank.


While technically (and I am just playing devil’s advocate here) not a female minister; this effeminate, used up douche bag takes his shots directly from the Jezebel guidebook and makes a pretty penny by following the beats to the bank. In case you haven’t come across this whining ninny before let me fill you in. He runs a channel that basically takes the concept of the Illuminati and symbolism from the occult in pop culture movies, music and books and attempts to plaster everything that people enjoy with the words ILLUMINATI SYMBOLISM EXPOSED. Now to anyone who actually does research into that such subject matter and knows it pretty well, his material is on par with some public access show for kids with sock puppets. It’s weak, watered down, incorrect and is set up in such a way as to imply that anything and everything is put out by the Illuminati or has satanic messages in it so the material to be monetized is endless. The general public that does research into the occult cannot and will not take that powder puff seriously, much less line his pockets and the only time we watch his videos is when we have smoked too much of Bilbo’s Candy and can’t find any new comedy specials on Netflix for a chuckle. He is a byproduct of Alex Jones in the fear porn industry that simply couldn’t last more than three minutes with serious researchers but was smart enough to know that you can repackage trash and sell it to the Christian market if you use their lingo and wear one of their titles. Whereas most Christians steer clear of the occult and symbolism as a part of practical superstition; if you present it from the angle of “exposing” it for Jesus, they will be eating out of the palm of your hand. This is what the Vigilant Christian Mario does for quite a large sum of money thanks to scores of dim wits who believe they are in a war with Hollywood but have no strategy to win said imaginary war beyond perpetuating videos that “expose” Hollywood. It’s a lucrative circle jerk of stupidity.



What always baffled me with that guy is not being able to discern what the point of exposing Illuminati symbolism in movies was besides dissuading Christians from paying money to see movies or read books and listen to music that had symbolism in it because he deems them evil. If that were the case, why is The Vigilant Christian Mario spending all kinds of money on these things himself in order to pick them apart as to prevent others from seeing or hearing them and becoming brainwashed by the Illuminati? Doesn’t his participation in the machinery make him a co-conspirator and what makes him so magically special that he has the ability to be exposed to this Illuminati brainwashing with immunity but other Christians aren’t so fortunate? Furthermore, why is it that while waiting for his videos to load I have to watch monetized ads of Hollywood movies soon to be released that he is making money off of? I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent with the panty-waist, but his shtick is just one of those logical anomalies I don’t understand isn’t obvious to the dip shits that actually believe he is anything more than a charlatan. His entire platform and approach is a contradictory catch 22 as intellectually dishonest and self-defeating as a homeopath hocking genetically modified mushrooms or something.


Either way, the model for female Christian ministers is the same. They ring the Pavlovian bell of Jesus Christ and the dogs will come a runnin’ for a Scooby snack. Which is why I would suggest the practice of asking them what they are selling up front so at the very least they know that you know what they really are according to the rules of their game and regardless of what you happen to read on their name tag just remember that according to Jesus Christ and his estimation there is nothing more fitting than the name Jezebel. For you spiritual fellas out there I cannot warn you enough about the dangers of a Jezebel because believe me, entangling alliances with them will afford you nothing but a world of hurt. Due to their daddy issues and usurpation of authority you are going to either be the spineless bitch of a covert man hater or continually fail to meet the standards for their ideal male figure; which to most of them is God Himself which means for a woman claiming her devout love for the Almighty, you ultimately are doomed to fail in meeting any expectations or bar she has set for contentment. If you know a guy married or dating a so called female minister do two things; one, remind yourself that the Bible says God himself is divorced and really let that sink in for a moment and second, make that man a sandwich sometimes because you know damned well his Jezebel isn’t about to.


Like I said at the start of this, I don’t want you to confuse my opinions of a woman’s role in society with what  the Christian Bible has to say about playing that particular game. I just thought it would be fun and a little enlightening to point out the hypocritical nose cutting to spite the face of generic spiritualists who can’t hack it with the big girls and screw around in the play pen of a safe sales market. If you want my opinion it’s rather simple; pagan, gothic, witchy chicks pull off honest spirituality the best and with the most authenticity…especially in thigh-high fishnets or stripper boots.








About D.L. Crumpton 59 Articles
Daniel Louis Crumpton, author of the groundbreaking novel Then Came the Flood (Westbow Press), has written extensively since his debut in 2012 in the areas of philosophy, spirituality, alternative history and politics with a complete lack of reverence or dogmatism that those areas often demand. His writing has been featured on ZENINTHECAR.COM, OCHELLI.COM, THE LIBERTYBEACON.COM, DOWNLOADEDCONTENT.COM amongst many others. His views, ideas, insights and humorous perspectives on current social and political issues have been heard on internationally and nationally syndicated radio broadcasts such as Ground Zero with Clyde Lewis, Lighting the Void with Joe Rupe, The Ochelli Effect with Chuck Ochelli, The Vinny Eastwood Show and soon Coast to Coast with George Noory. Daniel Louis Crumpton’s ongoing experimental, introspective and conscious streamed writings, podcasts, videos and interviews can be found collected at DOWNLOADEDCONTENT.COM.

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